July 3, 2016
Hi mom. How are you? I know that what you are about to read
is going to be impossible to follow. I am
trying to write this letter before my girlfriend Angi wakes up. As soon as Angi
wakes up, I am going to have to give her 100% of my time.
If I don’t give her 100%, she is
going to kill me. She will call me, “insensitive.”
Yesterday
I wrote the following. I carry around my
Blackberry every time I have to go
shopping with Angi. The Blackberry is where I write to you. It also has all my
song lyrics. I try and back it up every day.
July 2
I went to the Culver City library
today . Remember , it’s across the street from our condo. They were
remodeling for a year and they just opened
Do you remember Brian from the library. He is
that kid who works at the counter. I told
him that you were in heaven. Brian told me that you used to go to the library
every day. Brian told me that he used to give you rides. I was so happy to talk
to brian.
I asked him if he misses you. He says that everyone misses
you. The Japanese guy who works at the library told me he misses you. Our neighbors keep stopping me ( like Kelly).
They say, “ Danny!”
I
always feel happy at first. After explaining about your cancer, I try to run away. I don’t want to have to be
reminded that you are not in LA.
Mom , you are going to be so happy. I have been sober since
April 2015.
I had almost 20 years sober. Then after my
divorce I tried to kill myself with drugs and alcohol.
Mom , I should have listened to you. You told me that my ex
was a single mom with a kid. I wish I would have believed you. It took me a year
to find out that you were telling the truth.
I thought that you were telling me a white lie so that I
would not feel suicidal. I remember how I argued with you. I should have
believed you. Remember when you told me that you had a heart attack. You told me
that you were sorry that my ex had broken my heart. I just wish I wasn’t
suicidal from Sept to April.
I should have never done that shit to you! God do I regret
it.
I was
so suicidal about my ex. I was going to kill myself over a girl.
My family and friends kept telling me that
life will get better. Keep taking your Prozac! It’s going to work. I would tell
them that they don’t understand. Fuck you guys. Suicide is the only way out.
TODAY ,
I thank GOD. I am not a born again Christian . I have a degree in Biology and
years of USC Pharmacy School. How can
there be a God after the Holocaust. Mom would always tell me about the
Holocaust . She said that she did not believe in GOD. By the way, not every Muslim
is part of Isis.
Give the American Muslims a fuckin break.My best friend at
USC Pharmacy was Neda, a muslim girl.
DON’T TRY SUICIDE( mom ,please skip
this section)
Because of GOD, I never got the drugs to kill myself. By the
way, if you go on the internet, you will find suicide friends who will help you
get euthanasia drugs if you are
suicidal. “ Suicide Trips to Mexico, Brazil, Peru.” Fuck those people.
People would tell me that suicide was selfish.
I would say fuck you. I have to live with the emotional pain. It is only
because of God that I never got the drugs.
If you
kill yourself, you are going to kill your family and friends. You are not a
cruel person.
Don’t do this shit. Unless you are terminally ill or in
untreatable unbearable pain, don’t kill yourself.
Don’t hurt your family.
When my best friend Jason killed himself in
1997, it has destroyed my life.
I keep trying to keep Jason and mom alive in my songs. It
seems that everyone wants to forget Jason’s name because he killed
himself. PEOPLE need to remember how
Jason was my best friend.
I know
he was bipolar. If you are not bipolar, you will not understand how much pain depression
is. Give the mentally ill a fuckin’ break. We don’t want to kill ourselves. We
just want to end the suffering.
I AM TELLING YOU THAT LIFE CAN BE
SO AMAZING. Pick up a guitar and start singing John Lennon songs.
Life is so fuckin short. Feed the homeless. We might even have
to arm the homeless.
MOM
I was devasted when I
found out that my ex had remarried. I was suicidal. I had to come home from the
Philippines. I was going to retire in the Philippines.
Remember
, I dropped out of nursing school. I told you that I had to go back to the
Philippines and find a nice Filipina wife who was not violent. You told me not to go. I told you that I had
to go.
My family was trying to stop me from going. I had to sneak
out of the country. Mom , I couldn’t live without you. You only have one mom.
Everything else is bullshit. Women might leave you if you lose your money. Mom
will always love you.
When I came home you told me that you thought you would never see me again.
AA
I go to AA meetings every Friday. They have a great
musicians meeting. I am finally playing with sober musicians like Willis and
Scott. I get to write R & B songs
with Willis. Willis, Lauren, Angi and I are finishing the songs I wrote for you
and Jason. God, Willis can really sing. He sounds like Seal. He comes over twice a week.
People at the meeting are so nice.Then I get to write metal
Soundgarden type songs with Scott.
MOM , LET’S GO BACK TO JULY2 IN THE MORNING
I am shopping at the Dollar Tree with my girl friend Angi.
She hates when I use my Blackberry. I told her that I was
writing a letter to you.
She said she did not know that I was writing to you. “She would not have gotten mad at me if I
would have told her that I was writing to you.”
I will try to write you every day. Remember that you got to meet Angi
when we went to UC Santa Cruz way back in 1992 ? Now I feel like a Dinosaur.
You always said you liked Angi. Dad said she liked her.
We are going to therapy together. Therapy sucks. I get to hear Angi
complain. I love Angi so much.
On the other hand, God
she can be a bitch sometimes. I have a therapist named Nadia. By the way, I hope that Angi never reads my letters to
you. Angi is not physically violent like one of the girls you know about.
Angi keeps telling our therapist Nadia about how I
am so “messy.”
She complains that she has to be my maid. She calls herself
the soccer mom. She says I am her baby. She wants me to be a man. I am a fuckin man!!Let me listen to Tool and Rage
Against the Machine.
Angi is
mentally ill. I met her after being separated since around 2006. I got married in 2006 to my Filipina ex –wife.I
met Angi at Didi Hirsch, the mental health center. That should have been a red
flag. I was in the lobby and I saw a
pretty girl.
She looked familiar. I said, “ Are you Angi?” She said yes.
We were so happy to see each other.
She told me that her boyfriend was
just diagnosed with colon cancer. He was an attorney.
We talked everyday on the phone for months. This was when you were at UCLA Hospital. You’re
breast cancer had come back. Every day,
I was so upset after fighting with
Dafna. Dafna (my older sister) and I always had arguments about your medical
care.
By the
way Dafna, If you ever read this letter, remember that I will always love you.
I love you today. I
know that I was angry at you when mom was sick, but I am trying to forgive you.
Tammy and I just want to spend more time with you. I know
that you have Talia (my niece) and Elliot (nephew). God do I love Talia and Elliot. Thanks for bringing them with you.
Kids are the only nice people. I keep telling
Talia and Elliot not to grow up. Growing up sucks. I don’t think they understand
me.
Dafna, I know that you were always
our second mom. I am so sorry that you had to be our mom when Dad left.
Dafna,
you can skip the rest of this letter. Dafna was the power of attorney.
MOM
:Mom , you know that Tammy ( younger sister)and I have always been best friends. You remember that we would laugh when Tammy
would have to sneak me in to see you. Remember that Dafna would always find
out. She would go postal and fuckin crazy when she found out that me, Tammy,
and you were eating lunch. It was like a secret CIA meeting.
You know that Dafna has a PhD in
Psychology. She is a fuckin therapist. When you were sick, Dafna wouldn’t let
me see you sometimes. She said that I
was “mentally ill.” I think that she is just as sick as everyone else is.
Everyone is mentally ill. She has sever OCD. Everyone is crazy. Most people are
better at hiding it.
I don’t
give a shit. I would rather be real and honest. Anyways, because Dafna was the power of
attorney, I never got to talk to any of your doctors. I wish that I was the
power of Attorney. You would be with us
in LA.
I know that Heaven must be a way
better place than Los Angeles, I still want you back.
Every night I tell Angi how much I miss you. Mom, remember
that you told me that I will only have one mom. You told me that you loved your
mom so much. You kept saying that every day you wished Grandma would come back.
I should have listened to you. I should never have
dated only crazy women. You always told me to get rid of every girlfriend I ever had.
You did say that you liked Angi.
WATCH OUT FOR JEWISH GIRLS
You always wanted me to find a nice Jewish girl. I always
told you that I didn’t have enough money.
Remember my ex - girlfriend Tracy?
She was Jewish. She had a million credit cards. Her dad was an attorney. We met at summer camp. We we’re camp
counselors. Tracy warned me that she had dumped all of her boyfriends in one
month. She said that she waited three months for me. Then she broke my heart.
Remember that you called her evil
when she moved into our apt in Santa Monica. You said that she never looked you
in the eye. She had a plan to break my heart.
You said that there are so many
pretty Israeli girls. The only Jewish girls I love are my sisters Tammy and Dafna. The rest of them can be so
fake. If I don’t drive a BMW, Jewish
women will just hate me.
I am not talking about your Jewish
girlfriends. I love a Ziva, Ariel, Lynn etc.
Whenever I see Ziva, I feel like
you are here with me. She told me to write these letters to you every day. She
painted the painting for you. I finally have the painting in my closet. My band
is using it for the album cover.
All your Jewish friends are cool. I am talking shit about the rich spoiled Jewish girls that “Feel
sorry for me.”
ASSHOLE
COLLEGE PROFESSORS
You know that I always felt like a
failure after I failed out of USC Pharmacy School. I did not fail out. One of the professors was out to get me. I am
not being paranoid. This is for real.
I am not going to mention any names. You know
who you are. I don’t hate USC. I just hate the professors who were
assholes. Give the kids a fuckin break.
Look at how many college students kill
themselves. Help the fuckin ‘ kids. You professors fuckin suck. You know it’s
true what they say.
“Those that can’t get a real job
teach. There are exceptions. The rest of
the assholes need to be human. Stop complaining that you could have been a doctor. Now you are a babysitter.
I just passed the CSET to teach
biology in CA. Then I talked to teachers
from Uni High School.
They told me that they are now
police officers.
Anyone
who reads this is going to notice that I jump around. I am also going to offend
everyone.
I love you guys so don’t hate on me. I just want the world
to be a better place.
This life is one illusion(
OR NIGHTMARE)
We are all going to wake up back in kindergarten one day. We’re
all going to be in diapers again.
I just have so much to say and life is so
fuckin short. I want to say this to
anyone who has cancer. There is hope if you get screening. If you don’t get
screening than you are screwed. Terminal
cancer can be the most painful death.
Mom
knows this. Mom , please skip the next section.
I had to watch mom die the most painful fuckin
death. Mom was in so much pain and
nausea. Mom stayed alive because she was
so worried about Tammy, Dafna, me , Darli, Elliot. Mom never fuckin’ complained.
She never wanted to bother the nurses.
I just want to thank the one doctor
who found out that you had the wrong diagnosis. She saved your life for 5 extra
years. I finally got to meet this doctor a few weeks before you went to heaven.
She was from the Philippines. She
met Dafna at the hospital. Dafna was
crying when you first got sick. You wanted a Hebrew Jewish Old Testament. Dafna
went to the hospital library and asked a woman how to find a Hebrew bible. The
women helped mom find the bible. Dafna cried to the woman.
It turned out that this woman was
an oncologist. She was already assigned to you.
The other doctors diagnosed you
with lymphoma. She told the asshole doctors that you had breast cancer. I just
got to meet this doctor and I thanked her for the 5 years she gave you.
I will never forget your favorite
doctor who gave you the wrong diagnosis and wrong drugs .
He gave you the wrong toxic chemo
and you ended up almost dying on dialysis.
The asshole doctor was going to let
you die. He did not want to get sued.
He sent your samples to USC. The
pathologist told this asshole MD that you ( mom) had the wrong diagnosis. The
fuckin MD was so afraid of being sued. He was going to kill you.
He accidently left your chart in
the eating area. The other MD accidently read your chart and told Dafna that the
MD had the wrong diagnosis. Dafna and
you switched MDs. You guys never sued the stupid MD. You even switched over to
the doctor in the same office.
Mom , you loved everyone. You
forgave everyone. I would have killed this MD if I ever met him.
All the nurses loved you (mom )at the nursing home. They even came
to visit you when you were in Hospice. The doctors loved mom. Some of the doctors were complete liars and
assholes. I don’t blame them. I blame
Medicaire for kicking mom out of UCLA so many fuckin times.
Mom , please skip this section.
Anyways, I had to
watch the cancer eat mom alive. Cancer killed mom like a lion kills a zebra.
That shit fuckin sucks. The cancer ate mom alive. I don’t believe in any religion. I have so many Christian friends so you guys
need to skip this.
Mom was
dying a few days before the assisted suicide laws in CA were passed.
If someone is dying
from untreatable pain, let them
decide when it is time. God would have wanted it that way.
Stop fighting the assisted suicide laws.
Also, , let people who are gay get fuckin married.
Stop hating the gay. Gay people make the world work. We need
gay people to make the world a better place.
We need the gay nurses. Who’s going
to lift up the heavy patients.
We need the gay in the entertainment business. We need Freddy Mercury
and Rob Halford. It sucks that Freddy had to die from HIV. You were the best
fuckin singer and best human being. I know that you had to die from HIV. You
left so many real songs for us .
“Don’t try Suicide.”The list goes on forever. Gay people are fuckin human beings.
And stop giving women smaller
salaries than men.
You don’t know what it’s like to be a single mom. I watched
mom raise us with food stamps. I watched people tell me that mom was a fuckin
parasite. Fuck you! Mom did everything for everyone. She lived a life of fuckin
misery. The only thing she had was her kids.
I know
I am going to swear a lot but give me a fuckin’ break . “ Pretty soon you’re
gonna be dead”( John Lennon). Speak your mind because you don’t have much time.
Mom , you can read this . Angi keeps complaining that I am so proud of
being crazy. Angi says that I am beyond eccentric. Eccentric is an
understatement. She says that I am very “ unique.” She says that I am so nice
but so crazy. She says to stop making friends from Didi Hirsch mental
health. She even says that she is crazy.
She says that she is a “nut from the nut bowl.”
Angi says that
most of my friends are crazy. I am starting to meet “ normal” people.
She is talking about my friend Willis Mc Neil, the best singer ever.
Willis, Angi and I are writing this
kick ass album for you. God can Willis sing.
I wrote the original words. When Willis came over to our Apt. , Willis
had to write all the melodies. As a result, Angi had to help us rewrite the
lyrics. By the way, Angi reads Shakespeare and all the classics. When she was a
kid, it took her 2 hours to read a 300 page novel.
By the way, Angi is not evil. Before I got back
together with Angi, I always sang off key.
I have always thought that I am tone deaf. Angi says I have a great
voice . I just need to practice.
She makes me sing Don Henley, the “Boys
of Summer,” everyday. I have to sing it 3 times. Before I do that I have to do
scales.
Angi loves to watch Japanese
animation. I also piss Angi off when I
play bass and guitar while she is watching.
I don’t even plug in my bass. She has the best ear. She has perfect
pitch and she can sing Steve Perry Journey songs almost as good as Steve Perry.
BOYS
OF SUMMER
I used to love that song. I just want to sing other songs. We have
added some Tool songs. I can’t believe that she gets upset when she hears my
favorite singers. Neil Young doesn’t have to sing on key. Neil, please keep
singing off key just to piss Angi off. Because I love Angi, I need to listen to Seal and Annie
Lennox just to make Angi happy. Now I
actually love Seal.
We still listen to all the 80’s new
wave which we both love. Duran Duran, New Order, Depeche Mode. The one thing we
both love is Peter Gabriel. I played early Genesis like the
“Lamb Lies Down On Broadway.” I
accidently left old Genesis on you tube and I left home.
When I came back Angi told me that
she was never going to listen to old Genesis again.
I keep
telling Angi that I want to hear metal. I want to hear Layne Staley and Kurt
Cobain.
Angi says that I only like singers that have killed
themselves.
I still think that Courtney killed Kurt.
By the way, if Courtney is reading this, I still love you. “Live
Through This,” is a great album.
I know that you were a herion addict when you had Kurt
killed. I was convinced it was a suicide
until I did my research. Watch “Kurt and Courtney.”
Now back to mom. I love you mom. Remember
your Israeli friend Ziva? After you went
to Heaven, she has been ked pulling me aside. She tells me to start tutoring again. She told
me to write you every day. Her husband is sick with Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s.
I wanted to visit her garden with Angi but Ziva says that she needs to watch
her husband. Tammy even prayed for Ziva
at the Temple. I asked Tammy “Why, Is Ziva sick?”
Tammy
replied “NO.”
I told
Tammy that I didn’t want Ziva to die
because I needed to practice my Hebrew.
MOM, I need to eat breakfast. I see that Angi is going to
wake up. I will write you tomorrow.
