July 3, 2016

Hi mom. How are you? I know that what you are about to read is going to be impossible to follow.  I am trying to write this letter before my girlfriend Angi wakes up. As soon as Angi wakes up, I am going to have to give her 100% of my time.

                If I don’t give her 100%, she is going to kill me.  She will call me, “insensitive.”

Yesterday I wrote the following.  I carry around my Blackberry every time I have  to go shopping with Angi. The Blackberry is where I write to you. It also has all my song lyrics. I try and back it up every day.

July 2

I went to the Culver City library today . Remember ,  it’s  across the street from our condo. They were remodeling for a year and they just opened

 Do you remember Brian from the library. He is that kid who works at the counter.  I told him that you were in heaven. Brian told me that you used to go to the library every day. Brian told me that he used to give you rides. I was so happy to talk to brian.

I asked him if he misses you. He says that everyone misses you. The Japanese guy who works at the library told me he misses you.  Our neighbors keep stopping me ( like Kelly).

They say, “ Danny!”

                I always feel happy at first.  After explaining  about your cancer, I  try to run away. I don’t want to have to be reminded that you are not in LA.

Mom , you are going to be so happy. I have been sober since April 2015.

                 I had almost 20 years sober. Then after my divorce I tried to kill myself with drugs and alcohol.

Mom , I should have listened to you. You told me that my ex was a single mom with a kid. I wish I would have believed you. It took me a year to find out that you were telling the truth.

I thought that you were telling me a white lie so that I would not feel suicidal. I remember how I argued with you. I should have believed you. Remember when you told me that you had a heart attack. You told me that you were sorry that my ex had broken my heart. I just wish I wasn’t suicidal from Sept to April.

I should have never done that shit to you! God do I regret it.

                I was so suicidal about my ex. I was going to kill myself over a girl.

                 My family and friends kept telling me that life will get better. Keep taking your Prozac! It’s going to work. I would tell them that they don’t understand. Fuck you guys. Suicide is the only way out.

                TODAY , I thank GOD. I am not a born again Christian . I have a degree in Biology and years of USC Pharmacy School.  How can there be a God after the Holocaust. Mom would always tell me about the Holocaust . She said that  she did not   believe in GOD. By the way, not every Muslim is part of Isis.

Give the American Muslims a fuckin break.My best friend at USC Pharmacy was Neda, a muslim girl.

                 

DON’T TRY SUICIDE( mom ,please skip this section)

Because of GOD, I never got the drugs to kill myself. By the way, if you go on the internet, you will find suicide friends who will help you get  euthanasia drugs if you are suicidal. “ Suicide Trips to Mexico, Brazil, Peru.” Fuck those people.

                 People would tell me that suicide was selfish. I would say fuck you. I have to live with the emotional pain. It is only because of God that I never got the drugs.

                If you kill yourself, you are going to kill your family and friends. You are not a cruel person.

Don’t do this shit. Unless you are terminally ill or in untreatable unbearable pain, don’t kill yourself.

Don’t hurt your family.

 When my best friend Jason killed himself in 1997, it has destroyed my life.

I keep trying to keep Jason and mom alive in my songs. It seems that everyone wants to forget Jason’s name because he killed himself.  PEOPLE need to remember how Jason was my best friend.

                I know he was bipolar. If you are not bipolar, you will not understand how much pain depression is. Give the mentally ill a fuckin’ break. We don’t want to kill ourselves. We just want to end the suffering.

I AM TELLING YOU THAT LIFE CAN BE SO AMAZING. Pick up a guitar and start singing John Lennon songs.

Life is so fuckin  short. Feed the homeless. We might even have to arm the homeless.

MOM

 I was devasted when I found out that my ex had remarried. I was suicidal. I had to come home from the Philippines. I was going to retire in the Philippines.

                Remember , I dropped out of nursing school. I told you that I had to go back to the Philippines and find a nice Filipina wife who was not violent.  You told me not to go. I told you that I had to go.

My family was trying to stop me from going. I had to sneak out of the country. Mom , I couldn’t live without you. You only have one mom. Everything else is bullshit. Women might leave you if you lose your money. Mom will always love you.

                 When I came home you told me that you thought  you would never see me again.

AA

I go to AA meetings every Friday. They have a great musicians meeting. I am finally playing with sober musicians like Willis and Scott.  I get to write R & B songs with Willis. Willis, Lauren, Angi and I are finishing the songs I wrote for you and Jason. God, Willis can really sing. He sounds like Seal.   He comes over twice a week.

People at the meeting are so nice.Then I get to write metal Soundgarden  type  songs with Scott.

MOM , LET’S GO BACK TO JULY2  IN THE MORNING

I am shopping at the Dollar Tree with my girl friend Angi.

She hates when I use my Blackberry. I told her that I was writing a letter to you.

She said she did not know  that I was writing to you.   “She would not have gotten mad at me if I would have told her that I was writing to you.”

  I will try to write you every day. Remember that you got to meet Angi when we went to UC Santa Cruz way back in 1992 ? Now I feel like a Dinosaur.

You always said you liked Angi.  Dad said she liked her.

We are going to therapy  together. Therapy sucks. I get to hear Angi complain. I love Angi so much.

 On the other hand,   God she can be a bitch sometimes. I have a therapist named Nadia. By the way,  I hope that Angi never reads my letters to you. Angi is not  physically  violent like one of the girls you know about.

Angi  keeps telling our therapist Nadia about how I am so   “messy.”

 She complains  that she has to be my maid. She calls herself the soccer mom. She says I am her baby. She wants me to be a man. I am a  fuckin man!!Let me listen to Tool and Rage Against the Machine.

                Angi   is mentally ill. I met her after being separated since around 2006.  I got married in 2006 to my Filipina ex –wife.I  met Angi  at Didi Hirsch, the mental  health center. That should have been a red flag.  I was in the lobby and I saw a pretty girl.

She looked familiar. I said, “ Are you Angi?” She said yes. We were so happy  to see each other.

She told me that her boyfriend was just diagnosed with colon cancer. He was an attorney.

We talked everyday on the phone for months.  This was when you were at UCLA Hospital. You’re breast cancer had come back.  Every day, I was so upset after   fighting with Dafna. Dafna (my older sister) and I always had arguments about your medical care.

                By the way Dafna, If you ever read this letter, remember that I will always  love you.

I love you today.  I know that I was angry at you when mom was sick, but I am trying to forgive you.

Tammy and I just want to spend more time with you. I know that you have Talia (my niece) and Elliot (nephew). God do I love Talia  and Elliot. Thanks for bringing them with you.

 Kids are the only nice people. I keep telling Talia and Elliot not to grow up. Growing up sucks. I don’t think they understand me.

Dafna, I know that you were always our second mom. I am so sorry that you had to be our mom when Dad left.

                Dafna, you can skip the rest of this letter. Dafna was the power of attorney.

MOM :Mom , you know that Tammy ( younger sister)and I have always  been best friends.  You remember that we would laugh when Tammy would have to sneak me in to see you. Remember that Dafna would always find out. She would go postal and fuckin crazy when she found out that me, Tammy, and you were eating lunch. It was like a secret CIA meeting.

You know that Dafna has a PhD in Psychology. She is a fuckin therapist. When you were sick, Dafna wouldn’t let me see you sometimes.  She said that I was “mentally ill.” I think that she is just as sick as everyone else is. Everyone is mentally ill. She has sever OCD. Everyone is crazy. Most people are better at hiding it.

                I don’t give a shit. I would rather be real and honest.  Anyways, because Dafna was the power of attorney, I never got to talk to any of your doctors. I wish that I was the power of Attorney.  You would be with us in LA.

I know that Heaven must be a way better place than Los Angeles, I still want you back.

Every night I tell Angi how much I miss you. Mom, remember that you told me that I will only have one mom. You told me that you loved your mom so much. You kept saying that every day you wished Grandma would come back.

                 I should have listened to you. I should never have dated only crazy women. You always told  me to get rid of every girlfriend I ever had. You did say that you liked Angi.

WATCH OUT FOR JEWISH GIRLS

You always wanted me to find a nice Jewish girl. I always told you that I didn’t have enough money.

Remember my ex - girlfriend Tracy? She was Jewish. She had a million credit cards. Her dad was an attorney.   We met at summer camp. We we’re camp counselors. Tracy warned me that she had dumped all of her boyfriends in one month. She said that she waited three months for me. Then she broke my heart.

Remember that you called her evil when she moved into our apt in Santa Monica. You said that she never looked you in the eye. She had a plan to break my heart.

You said that there are so many pretty Israeli girls. The only Jewish girls I love are my sisters  Tammy and Dafna. The rest of them can be so fake. If I don’t drive a BMW,  Jewish women will just hate me.

I am not talking about your Jewish girlfriends. I love a Ziva, Ariel, Lynn etc.

Whenever I see Ziva, I feel like you are here with me. She told me to write these letters to you every day. She painted the painting for you. I finally have the painting in my closet. My band is using it for the album cover.

 All your Jewish friends are cool. I am talking  shit  about the rich spoiled Jewish girls that “Feel sorry for me.”

ASSHOLE COLLEGE PROFESSORS

You know that I always felt like a failure after I failed out of USC Pharmacy School. I did not fail out.  One of the professors was out to get me. I am not being paranoid. This is for real.

 I am not going to mention any names. You know who you are. I don’t hate USC. I just hate the professors who were assholes.  Give the kids a fuckin break.

Look at how many college students kill themselves.  Help the fuckin ‘ kids.  You professors fuckin suck. You know it’s true what they say.

“Those that can’t get a real job teach. There are exceptions.  The rest of the assholes need to be human. Stop complaining that you could have been  a doctor. Now you are  a babysitter.

I just passed the CSET to teach biology in CA. Then I talked to teachers  from Uni High School.

They told me that they are now police officers.

                Anyone who reads this is going to notice that I jump around. I am also going to offend everyone.

I love you guys so don’t hate on me. I just want the world to be a better place.

This life is one illusion( OR NIGHTMARE)

We are all going to wake up back in kindergarten one day. We’re all going to be in diapers again.

 I just have so much to say and life is so fuckin short.  I want to say this to anyone who has cancer. There is hope if you get screening. If you don’t get screening than you are screwed.  Terminal cancer can be the most painful death.

Mom knows this. Mom , please skip the next section.

 I had to watch mom die the most painful fuckin death.  Mom was in so much pain and nausea. Mom  stayed alive because she was so worried about Tammy, Dafna, me , Darli, Elliot. Mom never fuckin’ complained. She never wanted to bother the nurses.

I just want to thank the one doctor who found out that you had the wrong diagnosis. She saved your life for 5 extra years. I finally got to meet this doctor a few weeks before you went to heaven.

She was from the Philippines. She met Dafna at the hospital.  Dafna was crying when you first got sick. You wanted a Hebrew Jewish Old Testament. Dafna went to the hospital library and asked a woman how to find a Hebrew bible. The women helped mom find the bible. Dafna cried to the woman.

It turned out that this woman was an oncologist. She was already assigned to you.

The other doctors diagnosed you with lymphoma. She told the asshole doctors that you had breast cancer. I just got to meet this doctor and I thanked her for the 5 years she gave you.

I will never forget your favorite doctor who gave you the wrong diagnosis and wrong drugs .

He gave you the wrong toxic chemo and you ended up almost dying on dialysis.

The asshole doctor was going to let you die. He did not want to get sued.

He sent your samples to USC. The pathologist told this asshole MD that you ( mom) had the wrong diagnosis. The fuckin MD was so afraid of being sued. He was going to kill you.

He accidently left your chart in the eating area. The other MD accidently read your chart and told Dafna that the MD had the wrong diagnosis.  Dafna and you switched MDs. You guys never sued the stupid MD. You even switched over to the doctor in the same office.

Mom , you loved everyone. You forgave everyone. I would have killed this MD if I ever met him.

All the nurses loved  you (mom )at the nursing home. They even came to visit you when you were in Hospice. The doctors loved mom.  Some of the doctors were complete liars and assholes. I don’t blame them.  I blame Medicaire for kicking mom out of UCLA so many fuckin times.

                Mom , please skip this section.

Anyways, I  had to watch the cancer eat mom alive. Cancer killed mom like a lion kills a zebra.

That shit fuckin sucks. The cancer ate mom alive.  I don’t believe in any religion.  I have so many Christian friends so you guys need to skip this.

                  Mom was dying a few days before the assisted suicide laws in CA were passed.

If someone is dying  from  untreatable pain, let them decide when it is time. God would have wanted it that way.

Stop fighting the assisted suicide laws. Also, , let people who are gay get fuckin married.

Stop hating the gay. Gay people make the world work. We need gay people to make the world a better place.

We need the gay nurses. Who’s going to lift up the heavy patients.

   We need the gay  in the  entertainment business. We need Freddy Mercury and Rob Halford. It sucks that Freddy had to die from HIV. You were the best fuckin singer and best human being. I know that you had to die from HIV. You left so many real songs for us .

“Don’t try Suicide.”The list goes on forever.  Gay people are fuckin human beings.

And stop giving women smaller salaries than men.

You don’t know what it’s like to be a single mom. I watched mom raise us with food stamps. I watched people tell me that mom was a fuckin parasite. Fuck you! Mom did everything for everyone. She lived a life of fuckin misery. The only thing she had was her kids.

                I know I am going to swear a lot but give me a fuckin’ break . “ Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead”( John Lennon). Speak your mind because you don’t have much time.

                Mom , you  can read this .   Angi keeps complaining that I am so proud of being crazy. Angi says that I am beyond eccentric. Eccentric is an understatement. She says that I am very “ unique.” She says that I am so nice but so crazy. She says to stop making friends from Didi Hirsch mental health.  She even says that she is crazy. She says that she is a “nut from the nut bowl.”

Angi  says that  most of my friends are crazy. I am starting to meet “ normal” people. She is talking about my friend Willis Mc Neil, the best singer ever.

Willis, Angi and I are writing this kick ass album for you. God can Willis sing.

I wrote the original words.  When Willis came over to our Apt. , Willis had to write all the melodies. As a result, Angi had to help us rewrite the lyrics. By the way, Angi reads Shakespeare and all the classics. When she was a kid, it took her 2 hours to read a 300 page novel.

 By the way, Angi is not evil. Before I got back together with Angi, I always sang off key.

I have always thought  that I am tone deaf. Angi says I have a great voice . I just need to practice.

She makes me sing Don Henley, the “Boys of Summer,” everyday. I have to sing it 3 times. Before I do that I have to do scales.

Angi loves to watch Japanese animation.  I also piss Angi off when I play bass and guitar while she is watching.  I don’t even plug in my bass. She has the best ear. She has perfect pitch and she can sing Steve Perry Journey songs almost as good as  Steve Perry.

BOYS OF SUMMER

 I used to love that song.  I just want to sing other songs. We have added some Tool songs. I can’t believe that she gets upset when she hears my favorite singers. Neil Young doesn’t have to sing on key. Neil, please keep singing off key just to piss Angi off. Because I  love Angi, I need to listen to Seal and Annie Lennox just to make Angi happy.  Now I actually love Seal.

We still listen to all the 80’s new wave which we both love. Duran Duran, New Order, Depeche Mode. The one thing we both love is Peter Gabriel. I played early Genesis like the

“Lamb Lies Down On Broadway.” I accidently left old Genesis on you tube and I left home.

When I came back Angi told me that she was never going to listen to old Genesis again.

                I keep telling Angi that I want to hear metal. I want to hear Layne Staley and Kurt Cobain.

Angi says that I only like singers that have killed themselves.

  I still think that Courtney killed Kurt.

By the way, if Courtney is reading this, I still love you. “Live Through This,” is a great album.

I know that you were a herion addict when you had Kurt killed.  I was convinced it was a suicide until I did my research. Watch “Kurt and Courtney.”

                Now back to mom. I love you mom. Remember your Israeli  friend Ziva? After you went to Heaven, she has been ked pulling me aside.  She tells me to start tutoring again. She told me to write you every day. Her husband is sick with Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s. I wanted to visit her garden with Angi but Ziva says that she needs to watch her husband.  Tammy even prayed for Ziva at the Temple. I asked Tammy “Why, Is Ziva sick?”

                Tammy replied “NO.”

                I told Tammy that I didn’t want  Ziva to die because I needed to practice my Hebrew.

MOM, I need to eat breakfast. I see that Angi is going to wake up. I will write you tomorrow.