Dear Mom, July
1,2016
I am so sorry to
write you this letter. The good news is that last night you were in my dream.
This is the second time I saw you.
1)The first dream that took place about a week after you went to heaven. You were
sitting on your couch in our old
condo. You had the red dress . You
looked healthy.
Dad was sitting on
the couch to the left.
I said , “ hey mom!”
You did not reply. I turned to dad. “ Hey dad, mom is right
there. Can’t you see her?”
Dad did not reply. When I asked others about this dream,
they said that mom was coming back to tell me that she was ok. She does not
want me to worry about her.
Last
night you appeared in a dream. I was praying so hard to see you again. It’s
been more than 90 days since we met in a dream.
I had asked everyone for you to come back to
me. I prayed so hard to God. After the holocaust, I had lost faith that there
was even a God. I had asked you my entire life if you believed in God. You
always said no and talked about the Holocaust.
Unfortunately
, last night was a nightmare. We were in a hospital room at UCLA . You were
unconscious. Dad was there. Even though dad is an amazing medical doctor , he could not
keep you alive. Gail ( our nurse) was also trying to keep you alive. Gail and
dad left the room to leave me with you. You did not say a word.
You were in so much physical pain.
You were so quiet. I was seemed to be waiting for your last breath.
When I woke up from this nightmare
, I told my girlfriend but she had to go
to a doctor’s appointment. Before this nightmare, my dog Dekka woke me up
around 4 am. I had to walk him. The nightmare must have happened after I walked
the dog.
I don’t know why I had this nightmare? Maybe I was stressed
out?
IF
ANYONE CAN EMAIL ME BACK AT
I would be so happy if you can give me feedback. Why did I
have this nightmare?
In addition , I had the usual
nightmare. I was failing all my classes at University High School. There was no
way I could pass. I was going to be a high school dropout. I have this nightmare almost every night.
On the other hand , I graduated
from the University of California in Biology with a 3.1 science GPA. I was a
pre-med. I ended up going to USC Pharmacy School .I never graduated from USC. I also had spent time in nursing school . God was that a nightmare. Being a
nurse seems like it would be a nightmare for me. Thank God for nurses, I love
you guys.
I also had gone to Israel around
1995 . Dad wanted me to go to medical school. I became suicidal and I went
home. I also was missing my mom and two sisters and dad.
Failing out of USC Pharmacy
school was a real tragedy. The worst tragedy was my best
friend Jason’s suicide. Jason died when we were 27 which were during my second
year. Jason was bipolar. I am writing a
book about Jason. I wrote the song , “
My Best Friend’s Suicide” and the “Jason”
song for Jason. I love you
Jason. Thank you for visiting every
night in my dreams. We were flying in the air on and riding bicycles.
I always asked you “ Jason, I thought you were dead? People are
telling me you died.”
You always replied,: “ I am alive.
I never died. Go and tell the people that I am alive.”
Now it’s 2016 and I haven’ t seen you for so
long. You did stop by every once in a
while.
Please come back and visit with
mom. Mom loved you so much.
I tried to commit
suicide in 1998 at USC because I was failing.
Mom , I am so sorry that you had to
watch my suicide. I cannot forgive
myself. I feel like my mental illness caused your death. People keep telling me
that it was not my fault.
I had
no control.
Even
though people tell me this, I wish I could go back in time. I would have done
everything different. I would have followed my heart. I would have written so
many songs for you.
I would have played guitar for you.
Mom, I
want you to know that I have an amazing girlfriend named Angi.
ANGI, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I KNOW HOW SHY YOU ARE.IF YOU ARE
READING THIS THAN I AM SO SORRY.
ANGI went to UC Santa Cruz with me. We had not seen
each other for years. We met again while you were sick.
Angi makes me so happy. We have our usual arguments. On the
other hand, we love each other.
Angi is a painter. Angi reads classic books live
Shakespeare. Angi’s mom was an architect. She built the most amazing home in Santa
Monica. Every time Angi mentions her mom , Angi cries.
Angi is
also the most amazing song writer, lyricist and singer. Even though I hate my
voice, .Angi is teaching me every day to sing on key. God is it hard. I always
say, “ Angi, I play guitar, I am not a singer. I hate my voice.” Angi says that
she loves my voice even though most of the time I am monotone or out of key.
She makes me practice singing Cure songs every day. We also do a lot of the
Eagles, Pink Floyd and Zeppelin.
Mom, I
am finally writing songs every day. I have my own home studio. I can’t figure
out how to use it. On the other hand, my friends come over all the time and
Angi helps me record.
We have
2 cats. Max ( the baby one year old male ) was my cat. We now live with Angi’s
cat( Griz , the 15 year old female.) We also have the most amazing. dog Dekka.
He is greyhound cross with a Borzoi, or
Russian Wolfhound. At first, I was jealous that Angi loved Dekka more than me.
Now I am in
love with Dekka. He is ten years old so I must walk him a million times a day. Every
time I take Dekka for a walk, it seems like at least one person will stop me
and ask me about Dekka. “He is so beautiful! What type of mix is he.”
I can never pronounce Borzoi. Now when we walk, it feels like we are
hunting on some adventure. Mom , I remember how
much you loved dogs and cats.
Mom, please
be happy. I also get to see Tammy and Darli almost every week at the temple.
Everyone misses you. I see Dafna and dad sometimes. I talk to dad almost every
day.
We have our usual arguments but I love dad.
Now back to the other part of my
dream last night . I was walking with my
friend Chris Hundemer from UC Santa Cruz. I think there had been an earthquake in Los Angeles. We were walking on the bridge
next to your condo. Below the bridge was the LA river in Culver City. The
bridge was broken in the middle.
I said to Chris, “ The bridge is
broken. I don’t want to follow you.”
Chris : “ Just follow me . The
bridge is not broken.”
I said , “ No way!” Chris kept
walking. I never saw him again.
This is G signing out. Again, I
want to remind everyone that if you feel suicidal, call a hotline or call a
friend. Things will get better. Listen to John Lennon. Email me.
“ Don’t try suicide. You’re just
going to hate it” (Freddy Mercury)
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